Keeping Your Marriage Strong after the Loss of a Child
While some couples don't make it through the loss of a child, many marriages actually survive the tragedy, statistics show. Only 16 percent of all couples that experience the death of a child get divorced. Less than half of those divorced reported the death of their child as a factor in the decision to divorce, according to studies by the parental grief support group “The Compassionate Friends” the nation’s largest bereavement organization.
As in so many situations, if you are intentional there are ways to manage and cope with your grief while keeping your marriage strong. Your marriage will change because you will change. Following are a few considerations for your marriage as you navigate your loss:
- Depleted physical reserves from lack of sleep take a toll on the patience of a person and misunderstandings can readily occur. Acknowledge the emotion for what it is and ask for forgiveness when appropriate.
- Consider starting a family journal. Family members are encouraged to write whatever they are “thinking about, struggling with, or rejoicing about . . . There are no right or wrong entries, this is simply a non-threatening way to communicate . . . When each family member reads the various entries, it increases understanding of what others are feeling and helps develop tolerance of differences.”
- Guard against the temptation to use withdrawal as a means of dealing with your situation. Separation may seem like the only way you can cope, but it inflicts a great deal of pain on those around you and ultimately your spouse ends up shouldering the emotional burden alone.
- Grief is the pain of loss, but what we do with the pain is our choice. Greg Adams of the Good Mourning Program with Arkansas Children's Hospital, compares it to receiving a deep wound. You can ignore it. You can cover it up. Or you can clean it and get it stitched up.
- Give each other the freedom to work through the pain as needed, without judging the behavior.
- Society has defined gender-appropriate behaviors for dealing with grief and stress. As a result, fathers too often find themselves confused, hurt and frustrated. It is a reminder to everyone to comfort and support the grieving man.
- Sexual relations can be a major source of conflict at this time. Communication is of utmost importance. You should be honest with each other about your feelings and considerate about the other person's needs.
- Many people have also found that prayer can be an effective way of releasing their emotional burdens as well. Many find God as an important source of strength for them and though their faith may be tested, through loss it becomes stronger because of their experiences.
- Periodically, schedule some time away together, just the two of you. Plan for a lunch or dinner alone, take a walk together. For your marriage to remain healthy, you will need to commit to remaining intimate, both emotionally and physically.
- When we come to the end of our rope, find a compassionate, unbiased, listening ear to help reduce your stress and hopefully gain the perspective you need to better relate to your spouse. If your relationship worsens, do not feel embarrassed or inadequate by seeking help from a professional.
You are facing one of the greatest challenges most would ever face in a lifetime. Don't be too hard on yourself or your spouse and when you have made it through you will not only have a stronger bond but you may be the help to someone else.
Much of the information was gathered through the writings of Deborah Raees-Dana.