9 Important Points and Ways to Help a Grieving Child

Death is a new experience for most children.  And like all new experiences, the unknown can be confusing and frightening.  Most children do not know what to expect following the loss of a family member or friend.

• Don't be afraid to talk about the traumatic event.  Children do not benefit from 'not thinking about it' or 'putting it out of their minds'.  In the long run without freely talking about the loss or expressing sadness, anger and confusion, the child's recovery will be more difficult.  Children model their emotional expression and behavior after their caregivers.
• Each child will have a different style of coping - somes children will not talk much, some will talk about it to strangers.  It is not unusual for a 15-year-old boy to never talk to any adults about the loss.
• Listen to the child, answer as best you can.  It is just fine to tell children that you do not know why something happened or that you get confused and upset by it, too.  In the end, listening and comforting a child without avoiding or over-reacting will have critical and long-lasting positive effects on the child's ability to cope with loss.
• Mourning is the formalized process of responding to the death.  This includes memorial services, funerals, wakes, mourning dress and so forth.  These ritual approaches are very important in organizing and focusing the grief reaction and allowing for a process of expression to occur.  It is important to allow children to participate in elements of this process.
• If symptoms of anxiety, trouble sleeping, regressive behavior, stomach upset or loss of appetite continue beyond six months they need to be addressed with the help of a professional.  Be observant.  Be patient.  Be tolerant.  Be sympathetic.
• Expect unusual "sensory" experiences.  During the first six months following the loss, children (and adults) will often experience unusual visual, auditory or tactile sensations.  A child may think she hears her dead mother's voice in the next room; she may catch a glimpse of her mother in a crowded mall.  Reassure the child.  These 'visions' are often interpreted in context of a religious belief system - "Mommy came back to tell me it was okay; she is still with me".  This can be important for the child, and there is no reason to undermine these feelings.
• In some instances, children may assume some degree of responsibility for the death.  This can lead to very destructive and inappropriate feelings of guilt.  Try to correct any misinterpretations immediately.  And be prepared to correct it again and again.
• Be honest and clear.  Whenever possible, adults should give children the facts regarding the death.  While there is no need to describe in great detail, the important details should be given.
• Do not avoid the topic when the child brings it up.  Adults around the child need to be available when the child wants to talk, but avoid probing when the child does not want to talk.  Don't be surprised if in the middle of the conversation the child returns to play or acts disinterested.  The child has been unable to tolerate the level of emotional intensity and are coping with it by avoiding it at that point.

With time, love and understanding, children can learn to carry the burden of loss.  In addition, the child may develop an empathatic and caring heart for others who will survive a loss as well.

Information gathered from writings of Dr. Bruce Perry.  Dr. Perry leads the Child Trauma Academy (www.childtrauma.org)